MAVENity

Friends, I am crushed. CRUSHED. For the Beautiful People of the world, or just the tiny percentage of shallow individuals interested in online dating, don’t think I am attractive enough to join BeautifulPeople.com, and join their illustrious circles. Am I surprised? No. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I am pretty average relative to my age bracket (20-25 years-old), plus I wear glasses, have an unfortunate nose, am overweight (though I only posted head shots) and won’t get my tits out in a photo for votes.

But my rejection begs some interesting questions. When I got the email in my inbox on Friday, I didn’t really think much of it. However, I realized I could not write a follow-up without logging into my account and facing the music: what was my score, in the end? How many people voted? Were there any comments?

Well, damned if I know most of the above, because once you’re rejected, BeautifulPeople.com locks your profile — you can’t view your photos to see how many votes were averaged, what your scores were on individual snapshots, and you can’t review your profile to see WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG OMG. Not that your profile matters much — it’s not about the inside on BeautifulPeople.com, it’s about the outside. Only two people viewed my profile anyway, I can see, which just had some tongue-in-cheek descriptors, plus that All-Too-Damning “cuddly” description. In the end, I can see that I got a 5.62 out of 10, which is admirable, but not good enough for entry. I am curious how many people actually voted, but that’s PRIVILEGED INFORMATION, apparently. Maybe BeautifulPeople.com thinks people will become suicidal if they know that an overwhelming majority (10, 20, 30 people?) think that you’re Just Not Pretty Enough?

So who is attractive enough to make up the body of BeautifulPeople.com? I know, I wanted to know, too. Why else did I start up this whole charade? Well, here are some of the “Top 50,” which is all women plus one half naked guy and a guy with a modeling shot:

click for full size!

click for full size!

OMG I SEE WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG. Namely, I don’t look like a stripper. My bad. Better work on that fake tan, propping my boobs up to my ears and spackling on make-up so I can pose seductively for the camera. Must make the voting public think of sex as much as possible. And BeautifulPeople.com doesn’t want me to think hope is lost! In my rejection email, they invite me to post a “better” photo and try again. Best be off to Victoria’s Secret to buy that push-up bra and lacy panties and arrange a photo shoot…

But seriously, what I’ve posted above are the top results, when I do a general search of members.  This might just be because I was REJECTED, and this is the pool they show to non-members. When I first joined, pre-voting, when I searched I could actually see male profiles. Now that I’m a REJECT, the search function is clunky and doesn’t seem to actually narrow the search results I want (ie: men). I’m pretty sure this is what the “ugly” people get. And it’s a bunch of slutty women. Pretty by society’s convention, or more importantly by the standards of the voting men. And who are they? By the looks of them, they’re all a bunch of muscle-bound super quaffed types, who look like That Cocky Asshole who hits on vulnerable women in bars. You wouldn’t want to date him in real life, so why join a site that exclusively caters to them, and their female counterparts?

Here’s my problem with BeautifulPeople.com: yes, attractiveness and attraction matter in dating, but to have a site where that is the sole criteria for admittance is so indicative of modern dating and relationships: all style, no substance. Forget the pretense of the profile — it’s paper thin, at best — even OKCupid tries harder to show that you have a “personality”! And my person on the inside tells me there is no matching criteria or rubric, or sophisticated search function once you’re in — of course not! Isn’t just being beautiful enough of a basis for a date? BeautifulPeople.com thinks dropping the pretense of judging people based on what they have to say instead of what they look like is refreshing, but honestly I’d rather have the pretense and be able to write a bit more about myself — and read more about others. Because a great personality CAN make someone more attractive, and an awful one can make them less so.

I am part of a generation for whom appearances well and truly matter, and not just in terms of how their partner looks. It’s about the appearance of attractiveness (hair extensions, boob jobs, short skirts, hooker heels, Abercrombie & Banana, Manolo, etc. etc.), then the appearance of engagements and marriages (and then reality of divorce). If the basis for your relationship is how you look, what the hell are you going to do when it all fades? I’ve got news for you, Beautiful People: the stuff of today’s acceptable beauty fades. Or, more accurately, it sags (that would be your tits), dries out (ie: your hair), wrinkles (your over-tanned skin, that is) and then gains 50-100 pounds. If you are cute when you are 22, you’ll either still be cute at 42 (which is different from beautiful, by the way), or, worse, you won’t be cute at all. You’ll be dried up and trying way too hard to look 20 again. And that’s just sad.

I’m comfortable in how I look, and don’t need BeautifulPeople.com to validate me — and neither should the 80% of people who are allegedly rejected. Frankly, you might be ahead of the curve! The stuff that it takes to be one of the Beautiful People, other than some lucky genes (in some but not all cases), wreaks havoc on the body — eating disorders can weaken your heart, damage your esophagus and teeth, and ruin your metabolism for life; smoking, drinking to excess and doing drugs do long-term damage on the body, including the brain cells, but also ages you pre-maturely — you may not see it in your 20s, but you will in your 30s… when you look like you’re in your 40s!; tanning, whether at a salon or out under the real thing, cause irreparable damage to your skin (plus there’s the cancer risk); and years of being a sex object, often when you’re completely plastered (or the victim of GHB, and unfortunate COMMON trend), can do irreparable psychological damage. The ladies really get the short end of the stick here: the hook-up culture is predicated on good looks and while girls may have the illusion of power in these relationships, it’s just an illusion.

The losers in this game, and especially on sites like BeautifulPeople.com, are women. Online dating and online culture in general exploit women — I have tales that I will share of feeling like a piece of meat on various sites — and just look at the above search results for more evidence. What happens to these women on their dates, or at these alleged BeautifulPeople.com parties and events? They’ve dropped the pretense of things not being all about looks, and shallow dating tends to have one end game: sex. (Because worrying about what is on the inside is for lame things like lifelong partnership and marriage) Are these “beautiful” women in control, or have they fed so far into the culture that they don’t even realize that when the hook-up game ends, they’re the losers?

I think that’s why my initial reaction to this website was revulsion. Of course it is shallow, but it’s also exploitative. By perpetuating this kind of looks-based culture (which, really, they are just picking up from so many other facets of our life — they’re hardly reinventing the wheel!), we’re not making it any easier on young girls and boys looking to the world around them to figure out what’s important in life. The answer: how you look, and the better you look, the better a person you are. Femininity is defined by “beautiful” hair, skin, nails, boobs, ass, shoes, etc. etc., looking “sexy,” and one’s ability to get a man. Masculinity is defined by strength, toughness, and being the dominant (sex) partner in a relationship with an (attractive) woman. Sites like BeautifulPeople.com are perpetuating these stereotypes to the max.

Even I am a victim of the indoctrination. You’ve see my Lazy Fashionista posts — I highlight my hair, take care of my skin, pluck my eyebrows, shave all the applicable parts, and do the modicum that I can to look Socially Acceptable. This is mostly so that I don’t invite negative attention. And because we are programed by evolution to do what we can to attract a mate and propagate our genes. (And who wants to be picked on for, God Forbid, being “ugly”?)

As an educated, intelligent, capable woman, nowadays you have to make a lot of difficult decisions and compromises. Is it above you to diet to keep your figure trim, your eyebrows plucked, your body shaved, your hair glossy and long, your dress tasteful but alluring, or should you do what you have to do to stay afloat among the competition? Should you dumb yourself down (and doll yourself up) in order to appeal to the opposite sex? Where do shallowness and the competitive instinct converge?